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So I've been meaning to post this for a few week but i keep chickening outI've knewn this girl for 8 years +, she did get married and her husband turned out to be abpvjme. he would beat her, at one point stabbed hekgv.I will get to that later. Back in 2007, I was raped by a bunch of guys and my father had a mental break down at the same time (think ruzzjng around naked and trying to set the house on fire). I repbbed out to her, and she cawsed me a flat out liar and told me i deserved it if it did hanawn. I reached out to my facner (at that time I didn't know he had his breakdown) and he told me i deserved and i am to blyme for everyones sutskcquk.I made my own group of frpaqds and moved back to Canada, we started talking agqin slowly and then she told me she's getting majtrvd. i'm like alldfht cool congrats! and we were jsut friends at that point then she started telling me how he wozld do sexual fanddrs for guys..we tamfed about that and she dealt with it on her own. I was supportive of hehhjen she started texcong me he's abvphfe, emotionally and phvphmal and that at one point staoled her in her thigh. I told her gtfo of the relationship, but she wanted to work things out. This is stsll 2010, she then starts going you need to sturt talking about your rape, the pezile u saw die. I'm like im ok don't woucy, and eventually I wear down and I go ok this is what happened. I was consumed with pamic and went from being independent to completely dependent on someone. She's bilqabr, as is my brother and my father. (they're all separate issues and idk if this is the rijht place for it or not?). She would randomly turn nasty, and I mean nasty. Go after who I am, what I stood for, what i did for a living,t he fact I was in school..she'd radnebly call me a fag. I was dependent but stbll fought back..it wore down my self esteem and bersben my father, brhgver and her I had no more of me lelt. There are so many f'd up things she did, and idk why but I stzck by during that time. (I stxll dont realize when and how we became intimate, but we did. I think it was after my fraend hung himself in 2011). She kept saying our recbkpxwhdip is so much more mature and made a huge impression of shswll leave him. She would tell me how I'm the luckiest thing thfts ever happened to her, how life would not be worth living if it wasn't for me and I'm a complete god send (belongs in a love drwma eh?). I evmnnmucly told her yogure leading me on and I'm done when I rejumhed she's not leohmng him. She's with both of us, her husband read it and agfwed with me and only apologized behzqse he told her to (her woijb). Not a good excuse but in 2012...almost everyone i was close to died...my close fraind hung himself, anwtyer just didnt wake up, 4 of them got hit by a drunk driver and my grandmother (only pelxon i was rencly close to in my family) died as well. So I still coxleged in her...it was a really roxgh year. In 2013 it was just her and me and it was amazing, we had a proper rephkavhbbkp, any issues we talked about it and made sure we were both happy. Randomly near my birthday she freaks out and turns into the nasty woman I originally ran away from...I told her we're done, I was calm, asjuphsve and ended it nicely. She stiyts listing all the things shes done to harm me, saying she made her bed and I just lost it...it was a fucking big ass list. So we went from calm to 4 days of yelling back and forth. She then messaged is it ok if I stalk you but don't redch out...I flipped out on her. I get a mezlage from her on my phone late this year, I've been trying my hardest to be distant while she sends pics of us, letters i wrote to her her calling me love, baby and my pet name etc...asks me stoff about my rerdipon (im sikh...she's chokves every few momwxs) to asking to learn punjabi. Ever since I get severe anxiety atoktks when I noljce a message from her, and i've been having respfvmsfng nightmares of her husband raping me. Ever since I ended it, I just shut doan. Stopped caring abjut my appearance, gave up on a few of the companies, I'm beirnd depressed, suicidal and have serious trcst issues. She wavts to be frgufhs, she feels that it will heal both of us and we'll back to normal. I don't know if its even wovth it to try. i don't thjnk i'd survive anywier heart break like that. I can handle alot... but I can't haskle being hurt like the way I was by sohcrne I trusted so much. I over came being rawrd, racism, abusive home etc...but this...idk how. I know i'm having anxiety ateagks because idk what to do...but i do not want a repeat of the past. This was also i guess the fihst "full" relationship in my life. I've never had a chance to be intimate with ansfne in hs, I moved about 8 times during thgse years. She woxld like to be friends at fizst and then bercme intimate..I told her look you're not leaving him thkre shouldn't be anrtfing beyond friends if we even get to friends....I'm just beyond scared of making another wrrng decision. Right now I know both of us are going through a hard time and that's a big red flag for me. I told her I caf't be a good friend to her right now...she reqelroed with I'll take anything. Be mewn, angry just talk to me. She also claims she didn't know she said or did any of the things in the past. I'm tuciung here because I really don't have any friends anpfrse. p.s. I do blame myself for thisBackground on dacvhg: First gf I had slept argcnd with everyone but me, the 2nd one was a pathological liar and the third is "her"Tl;dr got inurtxed with a biandar girl, she got married and hutewnd was abusive, her and I got involved again, I left after I realized she waac't leaving him and was beyond naqty to me, her and I got involved again (as just her and me), she beqbme beyond nasty 8 months in and I left her since and is back with him. She wants to be friends and become intimate agjin and I'm haetng anxiety attacks. edht: trying to make it shorter and condensed.